Human kindness is very powerful medicine

RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

What is stopping you from achieving the results you want (by yourself)?

“Couples, Marriage and Family Therapists help people create and sustain meaningful relationships.”

No Therapy, Brainspotting, or Hypnotherapy will work or be successful unless the client wants it to be. As much as they are willing to join in the journey and own their participation in the process is the same degree to which they will experience change and a better life. Any coercion or pressure by the therapist will only create resistance, so there must be a strong therapeutic bond of trust and a safe, nonjudgmental environment in which the client can become vulnerable, let down their defenses, and experience something different than what they have always experienced, a new and better way.

To play all youtube videos press the white arrow in the middle & then go to the bottom left corner & press the start arrow/button

PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Do not believe that you can come to counseling for one hour a week or every two weeks… (while having 167 hours a week outside of the session for you to enact and practice faithfully those things you learned in session). If you do not consistently work on change outside of the session you will accomplish nothing and your lifestyle will NOT change. You will simply be deceiving yourself and wasting my time (and your $). I have limited years remaining and want to invest my time and talents in those who do not take it for granted. As you review this website you will discover I am a very unconventional kind of counselor. If you want traditional counseling please go to one of the many cookie-cutter counselors offered in your area. I cannot want a better/healthier life for you than you do and be successful at treating you. We HAVE to work together - collaboratively.

Relationship therapy is a branch of psychotherapy that is meant to help initiate change and nurture development in intimate relationships between family members and couples.

The job of the family therapist is to facilitate conversations that act as catalysts to strengthen and improve existing connections between family members and/or loved ones.

The average number of Relationship therapy sessions is 5-20 but the number of sessions truly depends on the situation the family or group is involved with. The important piece of therapy is not in the number of people involved in the session but the analytical framework and perspective. Relationship therapy is considered to be a very effective method of treatment for several mental health concerns. 

Going into your first couples session may feel intimidating at first, and studies show that it is effective at restoring relationships 75% of the time. Whether you are looking to improve communication, achieve new goals together, or work through tough conflicts and relational aches, this is the place to explore and repair past issues as well as to prepare for a successful future together in a safe and trusting environment.

Couples counseling allows couples to discuss their challenges in a safe environment without reverting to old, negative patterns of interacting. Couples counseling can facilitate effective communication and employ the power of listening. One of our skilled therapists will help you identify common life goals, while maintaining positive healthy growth together to enhance and improve your lives together.

Have you ever experienced a connection with someone so strongly that you lose track of all time when speaking or being with them - You can be together for hours and it only seems like a moment has passed. If you have never had that experience - it is incomparable.

"How things look on the outside of us,

depends on how things are inside of us;

We see others as we are, not as they are.”

- Anais Nin

MISATTRIBUTION OF AROUSAL

Why women are drawn to “bad-boys” and vice-a-versa

Amos 3:3 (scripture) states: “Two people cannot walk together unless they are in agreement” - yet how many times have you seen “good girls” fall for “bad boys” and vice-a-versa? In these scenarios there are only two reasons: 1.) the covert - hidden and disguised inner darkness (behind the mask) of one person is drawn to the overt - visible, public-undisguised darkness and danger of the other person; or 2.) a person has openly rebelled and rejected or abandoned their present socially acceptable (societal norm) identity, in order to experience their wild side (unleash their Wild Child). So while it appears to be an attraction of the opposites it really isn’t.

Why Is Trust Important In A Relationship?

Trust is that foundation upon which your relationship can survive the hardest of times. In fact, without trust, you cannot sustain your relationship for a long time. Lack of trust is one of the reasons for relationships to fall apart.

You cannot love without trusting a person. As mentioned earlier, trust is the building block of love. Just like how a child trusts her mother and thereby loves her, your partner needs to know that you are trustworthy and won’t ditch them in difficult times. This feeling is important for love to sprout and flourish.

• Trust helps overcome obstacles. It is the binding factor for all cracks and differences in a relationship. You know deep down that you can overcome the problems and feel safe and secure with your partner.

• Trust helps in healing. When you get hurt in your relationship, you get over it due to the deep trust that you have in your spouse.

• It helps control your emotions. The degree to which you trust a person determines how much of yourself you want to give to him/her. If you are hurt or annoyed at them, it is only trust that tells you that there must be some reason behind their annoying behavior.

“We look forward to the time when the Power of Love is greater than the Love of Power. Then will our relationships and the world know the blessings of peace.” JESUS - Actions speak louder than words.

Reiterated by Jimi Hendrix, William E. Gladstone

DISCLAIMER: I do not subscribe to Teal Swans ideology, or her new age beliefs; However any video posted herein has been viewed by me and I have found the contents therein are credible for the most part.

• You don’t need justifications. When you trust your partner absolutely you don’t need to explain or justify everything. You know that your partner will understand.

• It teaches you about personal time and space. You don’t feel insecure about giving your partner their space. In fact, trust helps you stay close in spite of the obstacles. So, how do you know whether you can trust your partner or not?

Trust in relationships is a dicey thing. Even when we have burnt our fingers in the past, we tend to trust people repeatedly. Learning from our mistakes is a wise thing, and these signs tell you when you can trust your partner:

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also

- Matthew 6:21/Luke 12:34

He is casual and comfortable in his talk; lets his guard down with you and shares his deepest secrets and fears. That’s a sure sign you can trust him. Reciprocate his feelings by letting him know that you trust him.

Admits mistakes: She admits her mistakes without any inhibitions. She is honest about them and does not try to cover them up with an explanation. Honesty even in the situations where it can get uncomfortable. Like answering the questions akin to “Am I getting fat?”. Answering them honestly even with knowing that other person might not like it.

Open conversations: He keeps his conversations open and transparent.

Shares his bank account: Sharing your expenses is one thing but sharing a bank account and being open about his finances is another. In the latter, he is transparent about his financial worth, and that he can do only if he trusts you. This is a signal that you can trust him.

You are her priority: She puts your needs and interests before hers and makes you feel comfortable. She makes it a point to introduce you to her friends and colleagues and lets everyone know about your relationship.

Listens actively: Most often we tend to interrupt our partner’s talk or have the urge to offer advice. But when your partner is listening intently to whatever you have to say, shows that he cares for you and respects your feelings, then you can trust him.

Physical intimacy: It’s not about sex, but little things such as a good morning kiss, holding hands, or hugging shows the strong bond she shares with you. She can do such only if she has complete faith in you.

Maintains eye contact: If he looks into your eyes while talking to you, he is trustworthy. It shows that he has nothing to hide from you.

She takes care of your interests: She takes a keen interest in the happenings in your life whether it’s about friends, work, or anything else. She pays attention to your talk and wants to know you better than anyone else.

He mingles with your family and friends: He has no qualms interacting with your family and is friendly with them. He has good intentions for your family and considers them to be a part of his family. You would be lucky to get a guy like that.

She doesn’t mind you checking her phone: If she snatches her phone when you randomly check it, it’s not a good sign in your relationship. If she is answering the phone and checking the texts in front of you, it means she has nothing to hide from you; it’s a healthy sign. He is confident and comfortable: He is his usual self and comfortable with you as he is confident about your relationship. If a person is uncomfortable in his relationship, it shows that he has something to hide. When you can confess to him without any hesitation or fear of being humiliated, it shows deep trust in your relationship.

Consistency in actions: In the initial days, she might put her best foot forward, but once you are well into your relationship you get to know if she is respecting your boundaries, being honest and open, and taking care of your needs or not. Also the person doesn’t make empty promises or promises that are very difficult to keep.

Trust cannot be demanded, it has to be earned. It does not come easy but takes time and effort to build

DISCLAIMER: I do not subscribe to Teal Swans ideology, or most of her new age beliefs or claims; However any video posted herein has been viewed by me and I have found the contents therein are credible for the most part

What Is Trust In A Relationship?

Trust is the faith you have in someone that they will always remain loyal to you and love you. To trust someone means that you can rely on them and are comfortable confiding in them because you feel safe with them. It is the building block for any relationship without which the foundation will always remain shaky.

“If you want a healthy, happy, long-term relationship, you’ll need to prioritize building and maintaining trust,”  “Without it, other things—emotional intimacy and connection—can’t fall into place.” Why? You need trust in order to feel secure in what you have and to know that your person won't dip when things get wonky. You need trust in order to know that when you are having a moment, they'll be there to hold your hand. You need trust in a relationship in order to feel safe, embraced, and truly loved. “Trust is the feeling of emotional, physical, and psychological security generated when a person is consistent with their behavior.” It’s the foundation for so many aspects of a solid relationship, such as feeling understood, having confidence that your partner is being open and honest with you, and having the freedom to express your authentic self. “Everything else feels a little easier and safer when there’s trust,” Herring says. The bad news? Trust is a **delicate** thing. It’s a tough ask, especially if you tend to have your guard up because one too many people has betrayed you in the past.

Relationships are hard work, trust is a tricky business, and building and maintaining trust is a long-term, never-ending job for both parties. “Trust is built on regularly showing up in your relationship,” Herring says. “Small, consistent efforts are worth more than grand gestures."

Emotions tell us what matters to people, and they organize how people interact with each other on a very basic level. The counselor focuses on delineating the negative cycle that keeps the couple locked in a perpetual state of emotional starvation and insecurity.

The theory behind emotionally focused therapy considers the key principle in conflict among couples to be attachment issues and insecurity someone has with their partner.

This insecurity may mean partners find themselves concerned with questions such as “Do you really love me?” “Am I important to you?”

“Are you committed to our relationship?” “Can I trust you?” Do you respect me? Am I a priority in your life? ...etc.

Emotionally focused therapy can help people address attachment-related insecurities and learn how to interact with their partners in more loving, caring and emotionally connected ways, which can result in a secure attachment.

We Marvel At The Silence that Separates The Living From The Dead - Yet More Apart Are They Who All Life Long Live Side By Side - But Never Heart To Heart

As a face is reflected in water,

so the heart reflects the real person.

Proverbs 27:19

If you want trust, love and intimacy you must honor and protect the significance, sacredness, and priority of your relationship by reframing the negative cycle as the true enemy, & then by moving even deeper into the unhealthy emotions & underlying attachment patterns fueling negative cycles - transparency & intimacy can develop, & a trusting bond re-established between partners

(Isaiah 41:10-12)

We are relational beings because we are created in the image of a relational God.

By definition the Christian God exists in relationship as Father, Son and Spirit. While existing as three distinct persons, they share one divine essence that is described as love (1 John 4:8). God can be love only if God exists as community. God exists in a relationship of Love. From the earliest moments of our origin, we have known our need for companionship. "God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make for him a helpmeet” Genesis 2:18 (KJV). We are designed for relationships and also profoundly shaped by relationships. But to open our hearts to Love we must be willing to trust.

The bottom line is we were never meant to live alone.  All of creation announces this truth: Birds have a flock/Cows have a herd/Fish have a school/Dogs have a pack/Dolphins have a pod/Ants have a colony/Apes have a troop & Caterpillars have an army.

RECONCILIATION

 "We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power.

Then your world will know the blessings of peace." 

The Bible mentions the “heart” nearly 300 times, but it’s not talking about that big muscle in the middle of our chest. The heart in Scripture is the spiritual home for our most authentic self, where the real Truth resides (1st Corinthians 6:17), and from where our dreams and passions emanate. It connects us with the Lord, people and ourselves. Our spirit is as much a part of our makeup as a human being as our physical parts and psychological parts of conscience, mind, emotion, and will - (Ephesians 2:20-22 / Colossians 1:19-20).

As the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23), everything flows from the heart: our thoughts, attitudes, words, actions and habits. If that wellspring becomes poisoned, everything else downstream becomes toxic too (Galatians 5:13-26/Acts 17:28).  Ezekiel 36:26, the Lord promised His people, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you.” (Romans 5:5/Galatians 4:6-7)

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) adheres to the belief that relationships are at the core of human experience; and that emotionally fulfilling relationships are essential to mental and physical health. EFT interventions empowers & re-creates supportive bonds for healthy and loving relationships. Integral to the concept of love is attachment. Attachment theory, is the concept that people are made healthier by connection & close emotional contact; but they need to feel safe in their connections to others. Emotionally focused therapy is based on the idea that distress in a couple's relationship is often related to deeply rooted fears of being abandoned. An individual’s emotional over-reaction to those fears can be hurtful to their relationship partner which puts a strain on that relationship. When partners are not able to meet each other’s emotional needs, they each become stuck in negative patterns of interaction driven by ineffective attempts at trying to get each other to understand their emotions & correlated needs.

Building on a foundation of attachment theory, EFT is designed to expand and reorganize emotional responses in each partner. New cycles of bonding interactions transpire between couples replacing the negative cycles such as pursue-withdraw or criticize-defend; whereas, positive cycles become self-reinforcing, and creates permanent change.

Therapy encourages the development of a secure bond between partners, so their renewed relationship can grow in a safe and loving environment; becoming a place of healing for each to develop deeper intimacy and mutuality (without defensiveness), or forfeiture of their integrity, self-respect, and/or personhood.

THE VIDEO BELOW IS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS BUT SADLY IT IS ALL TOO REAL FOR MANY RELATIONSHIPS

Let all that you do be done with love - 1st Corinthians 16:14

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins - 1st Peter 4:8

Two people are better than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand side-by-side or back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT). God is the bridge between the impossible and possible

Matthew 19:26 / Luke 1:37 / Ephesians 3:14-20

The Relationship is the “Client” in Couples Counseling

My Ways are Higher - Isaiah 55:8-11

IBMeUBUWeB1NChrist ©

"Unable to perceive the shape of You, I find You all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with Your love,

It humbles my heart, For You are everywhere. ♡ Your Spirit is mingled with mine,

What touches you, touches me"  – Rumi (From the shape of water)

If and when problems arise in a relationship it can be because it is either a safe place for unresolved emotional issues to surface and be dealt with, or it can be because the two people are incompatible and a power struggle ensues. One partner will try to pull the other partner closer towards their expectations and lifestyle/beliefs, which basically invalidates the other’s personhood and autonomy. Either way, the two people involved needs to commit to not abandon or leave the relationship no matter what, and be willing together to fix the issue causing unrest between them. If one partner blames the other and doesn’t work on changing themselves then the relationship will lose.

If one partner wins an argument over the other then the other partner and the relationship again loses jeopardizing its health and continued existence. Both parties must agree to focus on the issues between them, and themselves, and not the other. No human being is the standard of what is right or wrong, just because our way of living and problem solving works for “you” does not mean it will work for “us.” If you want an “us” to continue then you must change your thinking and behaviors to coincide with the desired outcome. We are looking for a Win/Win for “Us.” - Amos 3:3 - How can two people walk together unless in agreement.

Wholehearted

In each relationship with the people closest to us, we want to feel safe and loved.  We feel most safe and loved when there is what Sue Johnson calls emotional presence. Emotional Presence requires effort and often demands that we exert energy toward breaking the bad habits and changing the defaults that create distance and disconnection. As humans, we tend to be lazy by nature. Our brains don’t want to work very hard. All of us have areas of our lives where we show competency and a strong work ethic.  At the same time, all of us are well aware of places in our lives where we are negligent and have lent too much permission to bad habits. 

 Sadly, we often allow complacency to settle into our most important relationships, especially our marriages.  

It takes loads of inertia to get us out of our ruts and moving in a better direction. Unfortunately, sometimes the only motivating factor is a partner who has had enough. If we are lucky, the next stop is couples therapy rather than divorce court. 

 What if a significant portion of the relational divide could be resolved with emotional presence? Are you willing and open enough to put in the effort as an act of both love and prevention?  It’s a lot like starting the exercise program before you get the high blood pressure diagnosis.  

Don’t wait for a difficult and life threatening diagnosis before taking steps toward positive change. 

And if it already feels like it might be too little too late, don’t throw in the towel before taking steps forward and toward that the research shows work. 

If you are looking to develop the habits of emotional presence, an acronym developed by Sue Johnson, A.R.E., is really helpful. Try to live into a space with your partner so that your partner’s answers to these universal relationship questions are an undeniable, YES!

 Accessibility 

• Are you accessible? 

• Do I matter?  

• If I reach for you, will you be there?  

• Can I depend on you to prioritize me?  

• Can I access your attention and support when I need it?

Responsiveness

Are you responsive to my need? 

•   Can I depend on you to respond to my cues and needs?

•   Do you attune to my feelings?

•   Will you comfort me when I need it?

•   Will you be sensitive, compassionate, and empathetic? 

Engagement 

• Are you engaged with me?

• Will you treat me in such a way that validates the unique place I hold in your life?

• Will you be curious and drawn to me?

• Will you be tender & vulnerable, letting me come close?

• Will you allow yourself to be affected by my feelings?

DISCLAIMER:

I do not subscribe to Teal Swans ideology, or most of her new age beliefs or claims;

However any video posted herein has been viewed by me and I have found the contents therein are credible for the most part

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP INTIMACY AND CONNECTION